Old People Are Annoying.

Is there anything more annoying than conversing with an old person or a child? Children are stupid and their stories suck, everyone knows that. But old people for some reason get a pass, we let them drone on and on about how difficult their childhood was. We listen to their word for word recounts of a conversation they had in 1957 with a guy named Cliff that always goes like, “then Cliff says, he says uh.” Enough with the old people respect already. And they pronounce the weekdays like Mundee, Tuesdee, Winsdee…

It is ridiculous that someone who never accomplished anything gets praised just because they’re old. “Respect your elders,” is the popular phrase. But my good people I ask why! Why should we respect our elders? They’re full of shit and they know nothing. All of their information isn’t relevant anymore. They are constantly talking about how hard they had it when they were kids, but us youth need to stand up and say, “listen Grandpa walking to school up a hill is really not that hard.” Old people had it so easy when they were growing up, way easier than my generation has it.

First off, everyone was a farmer back in the 40’s and 50’s so they always had a job. When they did go to college no old person ever graduated back then 200 thousand in the hole. In 1950 tuition, room and board cost about $690 a year which adjusted to 2013 is about $6,000 a year. You show me a fucking university in this country that you can attend for six grand and I’ll write you a check for a million dollars that will bounce.

Minimum wage in 1950 was $0.75 an hour. Which today equals $7.25 and hour, which is what it is in NJ, we’re even there so shut up about how little you got paid. Things were easier back then, it was a simpler life. The average cost of a house was $8,300 which translates today to $80,000. Damn if I could get a house for 80 grand and I didn’t have to live in a rat infested slum neighborhood I would be thrilled! Doesn’t happen for us though.

We are constantly connected with phones, cars, internet, fines for everything, losing your job for saying something inappropriate. Back in 1950 you could slap your secretary on the ass, say “go get me a coffee princess,” and get a promotion for it. They used to drink scotch and smoke all day at work. Nowadays you ask a female co-worker how her weekend was and HR is calling you in and sending you to sensitivity training. I’m not saying those things in the 1950’s were right because they most certainly weren’t. I’m just pointing out that you have no idea what work place pressure is. Workplace pressure in 1950 was your ox got a broken leg so you had to plow a field by hand, boo-hoo. Even doctors had no pressure back then, medicine was so shitty they went into every operation with an “eh fuck it, let’s see what this does,” attitude. And when they killed you on the operating table they went to lunch. Now they’re in court for 6 years and lose their jobs and house.

And most importantly in 1950 all women were naturally curvier, okay guys. So you old men never had to take shit from your friends for banging a fatty. Yeah that’s right. I had sex with a 300 pound girl 6 years ago and my friends still give me shit every single day of my life.

All joking aside though, old people shut it with your stories. No one cares, they aren’t relevant and just because your old doesn’t mean you’re smarter. You don’t gain IQ just because your age increases. Want me to prove it? Anyone over 75 right now go turn a printer on. Do it. How did you get to this webpage? Your 25 year old granddaughter is sick of hearing your shit so she brought you here to read this. Old people can’t do anything that young people can do, but we can do everything you can do! We win. This applies to everyone except my grandparents of course.

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